Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?