What if the weather talks about us?
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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
😂🤣😂🤣
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few