I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now