To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?