“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
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I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My sex drive has a dui
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.