British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans