Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done