my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
barbara was highly relatable
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.