I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
good morning
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes