In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people