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“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Pat is about to own someone
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.