I would move hell over six inches for you
You Might Also Like
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I think this should do it.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Google assistant rules
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”