To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
They’re on their honeymoon
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future