Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*