The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
March 16
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Meow
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.