I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
#Caturday
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]