Don’t frighten the programmers!
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
oh my gosh!!
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…