Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
that lip filler tho
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Nothing.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.