your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
The 6 types of sex
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?