—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.