A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
calling in to work dehydrated
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*