ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.