Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
In banana years, I am bread.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.