What fresh Hell is this?!?
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That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
oh u like geography? name every lake
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past