my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.