9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
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“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.