[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair