Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
You Might Also Like
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles