Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
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Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already