Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
These 3D printers are insane!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: