I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
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If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Childbirth is so beautiful
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
🤣🤣💀
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I love art.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
How actors in movies eat their food
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.