People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET