Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
A classic…
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..