Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
calling in to work dehydrated
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
R.I.P.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Mountain Goat : )
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.