Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
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If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.