You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
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Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.