[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.