Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”