[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.