Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
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Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
me linking you to my twitter
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
i prefer mine room temperature.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.