Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
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My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
calling in to work dehydrated
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Husband of the year 😂
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.