Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.