I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
The days of good grammer has went
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
If only
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
This is hilarious….
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.