amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”