I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.