Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos