[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
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Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
*updates tinder bio*
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.