I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
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Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game