Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
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I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?