Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
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“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.